<4> The C-Word; Rhymes with Dancer

That's right. Remember when I said we had several shitty things to overcome? I was serious.

When I was 6weeks postpartum I saw my midwife who had noticed it'd been 4 years since my last PAP smear and encouraged me to have one done, that day. I agreed, as health is important to me and I hadn't realized it had been so long!

She called me three days later and began the conversation with "This doesn't mean it's cancer."

My results had come back as 'high-grade abnormal' and I was referred to the Women's Hospital for Colposcopy. Due to Covid, I had to go alone, without my baby, who was exclusively breast-fed and refused bottles; read: no support. Colposcopy is when they have you spread your legs, insert a speculum and dye the cervix, then they use the magnifying device (pictured on the right) to see the cervix and the dye shows where the abnormal cells are and they can see the level of abnormality. They opted to take a biopsy as they could see that my cells were, in fact, abnormal. Wouldn't you know it, the professional didn't get the right piece and my results came back completely normal, but because they could *see* abnormal cells, I had to go back again for another biopsy. Yes, alone again, without my bottle-refusing infant. When I saw the Dr. I explained my situation nd my frustration and asked her to "Take a huge chunk, so I don't have to do this again." She obliged and these results came back as "pre-cancerous". Next, they scheduled me for a "LEEP" Procedure - Loop electrical excision procedure- AKA a wire loop, charged electrically that 'scoops' the area they want to remove and cauterizes as it cuts. The main concern with a LEEP, health wise, is that it drastically increases the risk of miscarriage or preterm labour in subsequent pregnancies; a risk I was willing to take, at the time.

So off I went, yet again, alone, to have a chunk of my cervix removed. I have a few people in my circle who also went through this and their experiences varied, however each experienced trauma. Fortunately for me, it was painless and relatively easy. What wasn't easy was the phone call I received two weeks later.

They found Cancer.

She told me, nonchalantly, that they fond 0.033mm of cancerous material on the margins where they removed tissue and to be sure that was all of the cancer, i had to go back for another LEEP. My fourth time going into this Hospital alone, without support, this time, with impending doom.

I went in for the second LEEP and asked about what potential complications there could be, doing a second one. The Dr. said that the risk of miscarriage increases significantly and should I have another pregnancy, if we make it past the first trimester, I'll likely need to have my cervix sewn shut to retain the pregnancy as there "wouldn't be much cervix left."

Knowing that the cervix can and often does regenerate itself, I had my second LEEP and anxiously awaited the call. I called the hospital twice after the two mark, my second voicemail went something like this "I'm calling as I had a LEEP procedure done and was told I'd have my results by now, as they had previously found cancer. I'd really like to know if I still do. WILD RIGHT?! Call me back immediately or I'll show up in person." They called me back an hour later.

"We got it all. There was no cancerous material found on this biopsy. We can still see pre-cancerous material so you'll have to come back for Colposcopy in six months."

So, I *had* cancer.

After the first diagnosis of "precancerous cells" I began to change my lifestyle. It was a big eye-opener. I talked to my N.D. who put me on a serious vitamin regimen, I began taking an 8 mushroom blend tincture, cut out refined sugars and dairy and started meditating again.

The "C" word came about after I'd already purchased our plane tickets.

I thought about cancelling, but that same day I read a quote and changed my mind. What I knew deep down, that for true healing, I was required to do something drastic.

Sunshine, the ocean, whole foods, free from toxins and a change of pace was what I really needed. We were nearing the winter months and I could feel the onset of seasonal depression creeping in.

Everything was compounding. Not seeing some of our friends and family, the lockdowns, raising a baby, the cancer, the vax-issues; It was time to GO.

"You cannot heal in the environment that made you sick."

During this time, I went for at least one walk a day, wearing my baby, walking the dog.

As we passed this one house, a Duck and a Mallard would cross the street in front of us. At first I laughed, wondering where they'd come from.

It wasn't until the fourth crossing, that I asked what the spirit animal relevance was. While, they could have had a nest nearby, why did they cross from left to right every time I passed by, at different times each walk? Was it a huge coincidence? I really don't think so. This timing was super-natural and once I looked up the spiritual relevance I never saw them again.

Duck: Symbolizes clarity, family, love, vigilance, intuition, nurturing, protection, self-acceptance, balance, adaptation, grace and perseverance. The Duck appears when you need to connect with your feelings and making heart-based decisions. The Duck is a symbol of intuition and vigilance.

I found it impossible to ignore the relevance to my current situation. When else have I come across this before, a duck and mallard crossing a residental street in front of me? Never. It was so profound I burst out crying.