<5> The Beginning of an Ending

Being cancer free is indescribable, the relief is insurmountable. To have cancer any longer that what I experienced is something I can only imagine, being debilitating, regardless of "how bad", because it eats at you. It's all I could think about. So I focused on organizing and selling our possessions, spending lots of time outside and relishing in the joy that is an infant. We celebrated our first Mother's and Fathers Day like nothing had changed. Life just continued on as it tends to. By my birthday I felt like a fraud, like someone living someone else's life. My head and my heart were already in Costa Rica, my life didn't look like mine anymore, everything was changing; I'd changed.

By the time we sold our home, it was just a house.

We made sure to see our families as much as possible before we left, knowing it would be a while before our next visit. It's especially hard to leave with a baby, it feels like I'm stealing a part of them; like I'm robbing them of precious memories. I try to remind myself, this isn't forever. We spent time with our family by choice, our friends, soaking in all of the love and support, delighting in laughter. It's wild, we're always seeing things like "live in the moment." but we very rarely do; but when it's the 'last' everything, it just happens. Time slowed down, I noticed the creases of a smile, the sparkles in people's eyes, the exhaustion in their hearts, the light and the darkness swirling around their aura. It truly amazes me how resilient and adaptable we are in the way that we're all worn out but maintain a smile; is it resilience, or is everyone just faking it until things get better?

I took it all in, the good and the bad; I lived moment to moment, accepting it all.

My cousin married her Best Friend on September 11th, it was a gorgeous day, a perfect day for a wedding; the air was sweet yet there was a cold breeze. Our plan had been to check in at the (pet friendly) Hotel in Altona, set the fur babies up for a couple hours alone, go to the ceremony and reception and leave from the hotel the following morning. Well, my sweet and beautiful cousin had to send an email that broke her heart; the federal government had imposed a new rule that made her wedding venue an "establishment" because of their liquor license, so only double vax'd people were welcome to attend. We decided that while we couldn't stay to celebrate, we'd still go and support two beautiful souls as they promised themselves to each other and we're so glad we did. The ceremony was magical and seeing her smile was euphoric. We stayed until we couldn't any longer and I did the hardest thing I've done, I said "good bye". I try to remind myself it's really "see you later." but anything longer than a week away feels like forever.

My Mom and Jordan came to see us off and we exchanged tears, hugs some laughter and a lot of love. Then I went in to see my grandpa where he was seated and I hugged him so tight I'm sure his shoulder still hurts. It was a hug to last a lifetime; I have been and was trying not to think about the possibility of it being the last time. I left, sobbing, sad for myself but mostly for my Mom a s grandpa, for leaving. I couldn't have kept walking without their blessings and their pride in me. It was so, so hard and yet my legs carried me forward. Our life as we knew it ended somewhere in a field in Altona, MB.