<10> The Lies

We are imperfect creatures.

Creatures of habit, we shrink ourselves into complacency because of comfort, consistency and carelessness. We often find ourselves living in perpetual cycles of discomfort out of fear and exhaustion; it's easier to be stagnant than change.

We tell ourselves lies, not just daily, but hourly or more- "I'm fine." or "It'll be okay."

The way we have been conditioned to live is not about having a fulfilling life, even though we fill our time with things that bring us joy and happiness. We find new jobs that are more in alignment with our values or get a companion in the form of a partner or fur baby; we save up for vacations and cars and houses. Yet so often, we remain unfulfilled and it's really not that hard to see why.

We're not living for ourselves.

We work and make other people money, we buy nice things which in turn, make other people money. We do nice things for other people, because it makes us feel good, yet the energy is on another. We frequently opt for a screen or book or project, not realizing how self deprecating that can actually be as any if any time spent with ourselves will break us; so we immerse ourselves in activities that don't require us to sit with our own stuff. With all the advancements in technology and the sheer fact that money is an arbitrary item, why are we living this way? While the thought of machines running larger aspects of our lives might seem scary and intimidating and maybe downright irresponsible, I can't help but imagine how much happier and fulfilled we'd be.

People wouldn't have to work unless they wanted to and found purpose in their career, we wouldn't be working just so we can afford to live our lives.

If people had the opportunity to stop working, afford what they desire and could do the things that bring them joy, capitalism would collapse and humanity would flourish, crime could be lessened and children could grow up free from trauma.

These thoughts have been brought on by my desire to create.

What kind of life could I be living if I was filling my cup, doing the things I love, while not worrying about bills and finances? I don't understand why it's such an impossible desire to make art for fun and not for profit. And I really shouldn't have to win the lottery to be able to do so.

Coming to Costa Rica has been an incredibly humbling experience for me. I've never had so much time to be with myself. Two weeks ago I had food poisoning, but didn't know that was what it was at the time and as soon as I decided to see a Dr about it, I pulled my back. My right hip was so tight, the muscle spasm could be felt and was larger than a golf ball. It pulled my entire right side over, I was unable to stand or get out of bed. I'll leave you with your imagination, but I can't thank Chase enough for caring for me those two days I was bedridden. Fortunately, as soon as I pulled my back, the food poisoning disappeared... coincidence?

My body was screaming for rest and I kept lying to myself about it. I went from being pregnant, to having a baby, to packing up and renovating our house, selling our belongings, moving to another country, all the while, not allowing myself to rest. I should really be more specific, sleep is what my body needed, however rest wouldn't have hurt, if I'd allowed rest I would have felt my feelings and begun to process them instead of stuffing them down.

While I was completely immobile for two days, I was in bed for a whole week. I was only able to muster up enough energy to make it to the bathroom and back, I suppose the lack of energy stemmed from the constant voiding I had just experienced. I've never allowed myself to lay in a bed for that long. I always have to be on the go, being productive, accomplishing... shit.

While I laid in bed, I had time. So m u c h time. I cried, I laughed, I felt gratitude and hope. For the first time since my late teens/ early 20's I felt like ...me. I used to mediate and practice gratitude and focus on my dreams and FEEL my feelings instead of holding them deep until an appropriate time to let them roar. I allowed the thoughts to flow, I honoured my feelings and I blessed them and then released those that don't serve me. I let go of the guilt I felt for leaving home. I let go of the worry of how others are digesting our absence. I decided that it's not on me, and as you know- I care very deeply about others, however, it's not serving me and it's physically hurting me. My back has been tight and stiff for almost two full weeks and I can physically feel it loosening up as I type this out.

When is the last time you sat in silence, with your thoughts - no - your feelings?

When have you spent time on you and only you?

I am still homesick, I still feel anger and resentment and loss however I've sat with those feelings, okayed their existence and now they're not taking over. I miss the comfort of my house, our families and our friends. I miss having a big yard for Mako and the consistency of the mundane but it wasn't serving me. We threw ourselves out of our comfort zones, into the great unknown, because Winnipeg wasn't protecting us anymore. I felt it in my bones, that it was time to go and I'm so glad we did. Making this impossible and difficult decision forced both of us to evaluate what we want from life.

Laying in bed, I was able to identify that I was lying to myself, for years.

I wasn't fulfilled or truly happy, I struggled with depression and anxiety; I was too comfortable living in security. I don't think I've fully realized what I have identified yet, as if my brain is protecting me from a complete overload. Now I know what I want and I'm not scared to go for it, head on.

I want the freedom to do what brings me joy.

So I changed my career to one that will for the first time in my life, give me the financial freedom to not worry about my income.

So I changed our environment to one that isn't forceful or controlling.

So I changed our location to lush green scenery, beaches and the ocean.

So I dove deep into my psyche and explored who I am, my values and desires.

So I changed my life.

The thing about the Law of Attraction, is that, like gravity, it's a Law, whether you believe in it or not. Should you match your vibration to it, you will get what you give; should you remain where you are, you'll get more of the same. I decided to hone in on my -me- and come down a couple levels. I was living in my chest, in anxiety and stress and fear and doubt; that's changed now. I've comforted my heart, opened my throat and am now resting in my sacrum. Life is easy. Things don't have to feel impossible and dark.

Chase said something to me at dinner on Wednesday- we were looking at the menu and he asked what I wanted and I wasn't direct, asking what he wanted instead, still trying to serve others instead of myself. I'll never forget these words:

"Just be honest about what you want."

There it was, the million dollar realization- something people pay thousands of dollars to get to or search their whole lives for.

I believe in synchronicities, like how I saw 12:34 every day for almost two years and the day I didn't I finally had a positive pregnancy test; or how my late grandmother shares the same birth date as Chase's sister he never knew until I met her through work; or how Ciara and my brother, Nicholas, are the same age, height and have bright red hair AND knew each other in elementary school; or how my late paternal great grandfather passed away the same date as my late maternal great grandmother's birthday; or how when I went to Ottawa, my workplace was the same address as the Café I'd worked at in Winnipeg; or how we found out one friend was pregnant the same day another lost their baby or how Chase grew up across the back lane from my dad's house or the other several instances we should have met yet didn't until it was our time to; and my favourite: that I couldn't remember Chase's name for almost 6 months and referred to him as "my husband" to those who knew him.

We both love festivals; the music, the community, the energy - it's who we are.

When we got married, we tried to replicate something similar; Our first night out (a month after arriving), we stumbled upon a beach side restaurant with an amazing view of the ocean. Once we settled in we realized there was live music playing and it was so, so good. It reminded us both of folk fest, some unique, amazing electronic music. Then, the most amazing fire show happened right in front of us on the beach. We both talked about how we both at that moment, felt like we were meant to be here, like this was made for us specifically. As if it was the Universe saying "you were right."

Don't waste your life planning for the future. Life's what happens while you're not paying attention. Stop lying to yourself, if you don't create change, your life will stay the same. The Universe can't give you what you want if you don't open yourself up to the possibility.

Live free and lead with love.

xo

PS- I got a salad - some things really never change, I'm still me!